Holidays can bring out the best and the worst, specially during or after divorce. A strong holiday parenting plan doesn’t have to be perfect; it just needs to protect your children and make life a little easier for both parents. Here’s how to get there.
Holidays can bring out the best and the worst in families—especially during or after divorce. Everyone wants peace and joy, but tension often sneaks in through old expectations, unclear plans, or “for the sake of the kids” moments that backfire.
A strong holiday parenting plan doesn’t have to be perfect; it just needs to protect your children’s sense of stability and make life a little easier for both parents. Here’s how to get there.
10 Co-Parenting Tips for the Holidays
1. Know precisely where you are, then act from that place.
Before you start planning, take an honest look at your co-parenting reality.
Are you communicating well, or barely speaking? Are you still living under one roof, or have you already established separate homes?
Amicable and aligned couples can share a few traditions or family gatherings. But if you can’t text without arguing, forcing “family time” will likely do more harm than good. Children pick up tension immediately, even if no one raises their voice. Skip the forced family fun. Choose plans that fit your real dynamic—not the one you wish you had.
📖 Research shows that predictable, low-conflict parenting schedules reduce children’s stress and improve their adjustment during divorce. (OurFamilyWizard, 2024)
2. Match the plan to your current communication level.
If you’re able to talk calmly, collaborate on the schedule together.
If you can’t, use tools like a shared calendar, parenting app, or written email summaries. Keep it business-like: short, polite, and factual. (Refer to BIFF by Bill Eddy for advice on how to do this.)
Good communication isn’t about warm fuzzies right now; it’s about clarity and keeping emotions out of the logistics.
3. Decide which traditions to keep, adjust, or retire.
It’s tempting to cling to every old tradition “for the kids.” But sometimes the kindest choice is to let a few go.
If the Nutcracker outing or big family gift exchange creates more tension than joy, skip it this year. Instead, invent a smaller tradition that still feels special—like hot cocoa and a movie at home or driving to see lights together.
Letting go of “how it’s always been” helps kids understand—gently—that family life is shifting, and that’s okay.
4. Choose what you can still do together — if it’s healthy.
Sometimes, a few shared moments actually help kids feel grounded.
If you can attend your child’s holiday concert or picture-with-Santa outing together without strain, do it. It shows your kids that they don’t have to choose sides and that both parents are cheering for them.
But only do this if you can truly be kind and calm. If it’s tense, it’s better to split those events—one attends the concert, the other helps bake cookies later.
5. Keep the kids out of the middle.
Don’t make them messengers. Please don’t ask them to pick which parent they want to be with.
Kids should never carry your logistics or your emotions.
If you need to make a change, reach out to your co-parent directly—or through your parenting app—without dragging the children into it.
Family law and child-development experts agree that children who aren’t triangulated between parents have significantly lower anxiety and behavior problems. (SharedParenting.org, 2023)
6. Give your kids space and age-appropriate say.
Children process significant changes differently depending on their age.
Little ones may just need reassurance that both parents still love them. Older kids might want to share what feels most important to them about the holidays—so listen.
Giving them a say in small things (“Would you rather open gifts at Mom’s in the morning or after dinner?”) helps them feel seen without handing them adult responsibility.
And if they’re struggling or withdrawn, resist the urge to force smiles for the camera. Let them feel what they feel. Pretending everything’s fine can make them feel even more alone.
7. Be crystal clear about timing and transitions.
Agree in writing about drop-offs, pick-ups, and overnights. Stick to it.
If the plan says the kids return by 10 p.m., have them home by 10. Not 10:30, not “whenever the movie ends.”
Following through builds trust. It tells your kids—and your co-parent—that you mean what you say.
One broken promise can ripple; kids remember who kept their word during the hard years.
8. Respect each other’s parenting time.
When it’s their turn, let them have it. Avoid texting the kids nonstop or “dropping by” uninvited.
If your co-parent hosts a family gathering you’re not part of, be supportive when the kids talk about it. They should never feel guilty for enjoying time with the other parent.
9. Build flexibility into the plan, but don’t use it as a weapon.
Life happens—delayed flights, sick kids, surprise work shifts. A little grace goes a long way.
But flexibility only works when it’s mutual and respectful.
If you change plans, give notice and make up time. Don’t bend agreements to test boundaries or gain leverage.
Co-parents who respectfully handle small changes teach kids that love and stability don’t depend on rigid control.
10. Use this season to set a foundation, not to stage a performance.
Your goal isn’t one perfect holiday; it’s building a rhythm that will carry your family forward.
Use the season to experiment with what works and signal gently that things are changing—but love isn’t.
A calm, predictable plan tells your kids: you’re safe, we’ve got you, and we’re figuring this out together.
The Bottom Line
Holiday parenting plans that work are rooted in honesty, consistency, and empathy.
Keep communication simple. Honor the schedule. Protect your kids from the conflict, not from the truth.
Because the holidays aren’t about pretending everything’s the same—they’re about showing your children that love and respect can still guide the season even when life changes.
Brenda Bridges
Mediator, MAT, RICP®, CDFA®, CDC®
