How to Talk About Divorce Before the Holidays

I’d like to share some practical ideas and personal thoughts on how starting conversations now—before family gatherings put extra pressure on everyone – might make sense, before the holidays turn up the pressure. 

Every year around the holidays, I see the same pattern repeat itself. From November through December, the phones in my office get quieter. Then January hits—and suddenly, everything changes. New calls, new cases, a rush of people ready to “finally do something” about their marriages. 

Popular media calls January “Divorce Month.” But that’s not quite true. The decision usually starts before the New Year. It just doesn’t show up in the data yet. 

The Calm Before the Storm 

A University of Washington study found that divorce filings dip in November and December, then rise sharply after the holidays, peaking in March and August. Those filings reflect paperwork—the legal step—but not the emotional one. By the time someone files, they’ve often spent months, maybe even years, thinking about it. It might even be the foremost thing on their mind as they are sitting across from their spouse at Thanksgiving or Christmas dinner, quietly promising themselves, This is the last time I have to do this. 

In my work, I see two patterns. 

The first is what I call the white-knuckle partner—the one determined to “get through one last holiday” before calling it quits. They tell themselves they’ll file in the New Year, grit their teeth through family gatherings, and treat every ritual as a countdown. 

It looks like this: the wife who’s already made up her mind but hasn’t said the words yet. Every ornament she hangs feels like one more lie she has to tell. She smiles for the photos, sets the table, wraps the gifts — all the while narrating a private countdown in her head. Just get through the dinner. Just get through the presents. Just get through this month. 

By day, she’s the picture of holiday cheer, but inside, she’s vibrating. The effort of pretending drains her, and the guilt of knowing what’s coming gnaws at her. She feels like a fake, rehearsing gratitude while her chest tightens at every “Merry Christmas.” She’s already built the story of how she’ll tell him in January — maybe after the kids go back to school, perhaps after they pack up the decorations. 

But in the silence of keeping that secret, the story in her head starts to take over. Every imagined reaction from him becomes sharper, angrier, more hopeless. She convinces herself she knows exactly how he’ll respond, and none of it is good. So when the new year comes and she finally says the words, she’s not prepared for his shock — or for how devastated he is. Her performance was so convincing that he never saw it coming. 

The second is the melancholy martyr, who stays for one more season out of nostalgia or guilt. They imagine they’re doing everyone a favor by keeping up appearances, but inside, they’re grieving something already gone. 

The melancholy martyr brings the other kind of silence. The husband who knows the marriage is ending but decides to stay through the holidays because he can’t bear to break his children’s hearts right before Christmas. 

He tells himself, They deserve one last good memory. So he hangs the lights, helps pick out the tree, and laughs in all the right places. He buys his wife a thoughtful gift, even though they haven’t shared a real conversation in months. To everyone else, he looks steady, even content. Inside, he’s dissolving. 

Each moment feels like it might be the last version of “normal” his family will ever have. When his daughter hands him a handmade ornament, something in his chest tightens. He swallows it down. He keeps showing up, doing what he’s supposed to, holding it all together so no one else has to feel the cracks. 

In his mind, he’s being selfless — protecting them from pain. But it’s costing him piece by piece. By New Year’s, the weeks of pretending wring him out emotionally, he is now running on fumes. When the truth finally comes out, he’s too tired to explain that his silence wasn’t indifference. It was grief. 

Both approaches make sense in the moment. The holidays pull at every human instinct to preserve family, to keep things looking whole for just a little longer. But pretending stability often deepens the fracture. What begins as kindness ends up confusing or betraying the people left in the dark. It can also make the next step harder. 

When Silence Becomes the Surprise

When one partner is privately planning an exit while the other believes things are stable, the eventual reveal hits like an emotional wrecking ball. Even if both partners sensed trouble, the contrast between a “good” holiday season and a sudden January divorce announcement can deepen confusion and pain. 

Research backs this up. A 2022 study in SpringerLink found that children of divorced parents experienced more behavioral and psychological challenges—hyperactivity, conduct issues, lower cognitive development—than peers from stable families. The Institute for Family Studies adds that divorce during childhood correlates with higher risks of teen pregnancy, lower lifetime earnings, and reduced life expectancy. 

The message isn’t “don’t divorce.” It’s how you do it that matters. Children and spouses handle change better when they see it coming, when the transition is explained and modeled calmly instead of hidden and then dropped like a bomb. 

In other words, the surprise itself—not the divorce—can do the lasting damage. 

What Happens When You Start Talking Sooner 

Starting the conversation before the holidays doesn’t mean announcing your divorce over turkey. It means not pretending. 

It means saying something like, “We both know things haven’t been good for a while. Maybe after the holidays, we could talk about what moving forward looks like.” 

That one honest sentence can change everything. It lowers the emotional temperature. It gives both partners time to think and plan rather than react. 

I’ve seen couples do this thoughtfully. 

One pair decided in November that they were ready to separate, but agreed to keep the holidays peaceful for their kids. They told close family members privately, created new ground rules for gatherings, and promised to be honest with their children after the new year, together. The transition wasn’t painless, but it wasn’t as traumatic as a New Year’s surprise. 

Another couple waited. They smiled through December, sent out matching-sweater Christmas cards, and in January, she told him she wanted a divorce. The news blindsided him. That shock bled into anger and mistrust that took months to untangle and impacted their entire divorce process. 

The difference? Both timing and honesty. 

The Emotional and Practical Payoff

Divorce professionals know the formal process takes time. Couples exploring mediation or the Collaborative Divorce Process often start months before anyone files anything in court. So even if you’re planning to wait until the new year to begin, starting the conversation now gives you room to learn your options without rushing. 

When you delay everything until after the holidays, it’s easy to mistake waiting for wisdom. Use the weeks of December to process, to be thoughtful, to act based on what you know will be changing—rather than clinging to what you wish could stay the same. But when all that energy builds up and finally bursts in January, it can spill out as urgency or anger. Rash decisions made in the name of “finally doing something” can send the divorce process off course fast. With a little more reflection, a few honest conversations, and time to let emotions settle, the outcome—and the healing—can look very different. 

Early planning also helps avoid costly mistakes. Those who begin with clarity tend to make better financial and parenting decisions because they’re not reacting from panic or guilt. 

If You Have Children 

Parents often believe waiting until “after the holidays” is kinder. They picture one last normal Christmas before everything changes. But from a child’s perspective, that can feel like betrayal—celebrating as usual one week, only to learn the family is splitting the next. 

I’m not suggesting you sit kids down before you’re ready. But awareness matters. The way parents treat each other during this period sends powerful signals. Children pick up on tension, even when adults think they’re hiding it. 

You don’t have to script the perfect talk. Just commit to honesty, calm, and care when the time comes. 

The Bigger Truth

Divorce is rarely a sudden event. It’s a series of small decisions—some made in silence, some finally spoken aloud. The holidays can become either a pressure cooker or an opportunity for a gentler transition. 

If you’re already sure your marriage is ending, waiting for the “right time” may just be delaying the work that will eventually bring relief. If you’re uncertain, use this season to get clear. Spend time researching your options, reflecting on what you want life to look like, and reaching out for support before January’s rush begins. 

Because divorce, when it comes, doesn’t have to be chaos. It can be conscious. 

Quick Take: Thinking About Divorce Before the Holidays? Start Here. 

1. Check Your Motive. 

Are you waiting until after the holidays to spare feelings—or to avoid your own discomfort? Be honest with yourself. 

2. Find Your Words. 

You don’t need a speech. You just need one calm, truthful statement that opens the door for a real conversation. 

3. Use This Time Wisely.

Gather information about your options—kitchen table, traditional mediation, Informed Mediation™, Collaborative Divorce, litigation in court, financial guidance—so you’re not scrambling in January. 

4. Remember: Divorce Is a Marathon, Not a Sprint.

Starting the conversation early helps everyone—including you—move forward with more clarity and less collateral damage. 

_{Sources: University of Washington (Brines & colleagues, 2016); SpringerLink (2022); Institute for Family Studies (2025); Katie Couric Media (2023).}