When Divorce Advice Comes Before Clarity 

Interesting: Costly Divorce Mistakes Actually Happen Before You File 

Many people worry about making the wrong legal move when divorce begins. In my experience, the most expensive divorce mistakes happen before anyone files—when decisions are made without clarity, preparation, or context. 

Most people don’t mess up their divorce because they’re reckless. 
They don’t charge ahead trying to “win.” 
They don’t ignore advice or refuse help. 

What I see, again and again, is something quieter—and far more common. 

Things start moving fast before people understand what actually matters. 

A conversation happens. Someone confides in a friend. Advice starts coming in. Attorneys are called. Next steps appear on a checklist. And before anyone files anything, decisions are already being shaped. 

Not out of bad intent. 

Out of fear, protection, and momentum.

When Divorce Advice Comes Before Clarity 

Early in divorce, advice tends to arrive quickly—and often uninvited. 

Friends mean well. Colleagues share “tips.” Someone knows someone whose divorce “worked out really well,” and suddenly their experience becomes a roadmap. 

I once worked with a couple who were in agreement about getting divorced. Neither wanted to harm the other. Both expected to reach a settlement. There was no obvious reason to distrust one another. 

But the wife—let’s call her Sally—received advice from her tennis partner. The tennis partner’s sister had divorced the year before and offered what she framed as a smart precaution: start buying gift cards during weekly grocery shopping and stash them away. “That’s what my sister did,” she told her. “She had thousands set aside by the time it was over.” 

Sally didn’t see this as deception. She saw it as self-protection. 

What she didn’t anticipate was that her husband would notice their grocery bills had doubled. Suspicion followed. He hired someone to observe her at the store. The gift cards were discovered. 

And just like that, trust collapsed. 

What could have been an amicable, efficient divorce became colored by doubt. Settlement discussions hardened. Costs rose. And perhaps most damaging of all, their post-divorce relationship was deeply strained—long after the paperwork was done. 

The advice wasn’t malicious. 
But it was unasked for, poorly credentialed, and wildly mismatched to the situation. 

Learning to Credential Advice 

One of the most important early divorce skills is learning how to evaluate advice—not just collect it. 

In my experience, useful advice usually has at least one of these qualities: 

• It’s grounded in professional experience with many cases, not just one outcome 
• It reflects an understanding of your specific financial and family dynamics
• It doesn’t rely on secrecy, panic, or urgency to be effective 

If advice pushes you toward hiding, rushing, or assuming the worst before there’s evidence to support it, that’s information worth pausing on. 

You are allowed to say: 
“This may have worked for someone else, but I need to understand my situation before acting.” 

That isn’t avoidance. 

It’s discernment. 

When Momentum Replaces Thoughtfulness 

Once things speed up, decisions often start driving the process instead of the other way around. 

What begins as information gathering turns into positioning. 
What begins as caution turns into defensiveness. 

And by the time people stop to reflect, they’re often reacting—to timelines, documents, emails, and mounting costs—rather than making intentional choices. 

This is rarely intentional. It’s simply what happens when clarity comes after movement instead of before it. 

Why This Divorce Mistake Is So Expensive 

The cost shows up financially, emotionally, and relationally. 

Financially, people pay for urgency. They pay to unwind decisions made too early. They pay to fight over issues that don’t meaningfully change their future. 

Emotionally, they lose a sense of agency. Divorce starts to feel like something happening to them, rather than a process they are actively shaping. 

And for parents, early missteps often escalate conflict in ways that linger—long after the divorce is finalized. 

In My Experience, Divorce Decisions Are Not Just Legal Decisions 

I want to be clear: what follows is my opinion, based on years of working with divorcing couples—not a statement about what the law is or how courts operate. 

As I see it, many of the most impactful divorce decisions are not legal decisions in the first instance. They are family and financial decisions. 

I once worked with a couple in mediation whose highest shared priority was keeping their children in private school. Both parents valued it deeply. 

When we looked closely at their financial reality—two households, existing expenses, and the wife’s right to alimony—it became clear that, on paper, they couldn’t afford both private school tuition and full alimony payments at the same time. 

Instead of abandoning what mattered most to them, they made a different choice. By agreement, they delayed alimony payments until the children finished secondary school. Their shared family goal guided the decision, and they structured their settlement accordingly. 

In my experience, that kind of outcome—creative, cooperative, and values-driven—is far less likely when decisions are shaped first by rigid process rather than thoughtful discussion. 

Of course, any agreement must ultimately be reviewed and confirmed as workable under the law. Attorneys play an essential role in that review and execution. 

But there is a meaningful difference between using the law as a framework and handing over decision-making before people understand what they’re deciding about. 

A Thought About Financial Information Gathering 

In court-based divorces, there is often a formal process for exchanging detailed financial information. Depending on the jurisdiction, this may be called discovery, financial disclosures, or mandatory disclosure. 

Sometimes, that level of documentation is absolutely appropriate. 

And in my experience, just as often, it isn’t—at least not at the outset. 

I remember an early coaching client who called me in tears after receiving a discovery request that ran more than thirty pages long. The requests were broad, invasive, and framed as if misconduct was assumed. 

This was especially upsetting because the couple had already agreed—together—that they did not want to proceed in that way. They had shared finances, transparency, and no reason to suspect hidden assets or infidelity. 

What had happened instead was procedural momentum. One attorney sent discovery despite the client’s wishes. The other attorney responded in kind. And suddenly, what had been an amicable divorce became angry, expensive, and exhausting. 

In that case, neither party believed the other was hiding money or being unfaithful. Yet the language of the requests introduced suspicion where none had existed. 

This isn’t an argument against due diligence. 
It’s an argument for sequencing. 

In many situations—particularly where finances are shared, accessible, and relatively straightforward—people can often come to a clear understanding of what they’re working with before producing years of documentation. 

Again, this depends entirely on the circumstances. The point is not avoidance. It’s intention. 

What Divorce Preparation Actually Means 

Preparation doesn’t mean deciding everything upfront. 
It doesn’t mean delaying indefinitely. 
And it doesn’t mean ignoring professional guidance. 

Preparation means: 

• Understanding your options before you’re forced to choose 
• Knowing which decisions actually matter in your situation 
• Separating fear-based urgency from real necessity 

It’s about clarity before crisis. 

A Gentle Truth to Close 

Slowing down is not avoidance. 
It’s not weakness. 
And it’s not denial. 

In my experience, it’s one of the most effective ways people protect themselves—financially, emotionally, and as parents. 

The most expensive divorce mistake isn’t what people do wrong. 

It’s moving forward before they understand where they’re going. This is often what comes up during a clarity call. Feel free to reach out and check in about where you’re going. 

Frequently Asked Questions 

What is the most common divorce mistake? 
In my experience, the most common and expensive mistake is making decisions too quickly—before understanding options, finances, and long-term impact. 

Should I get advice before filing for divorce? 
Yes, but advice should be thoughtful, relevant, and grounded in your specific situation. Not all advice applies to every divorce. 

Is it possible to prepare for divorce without escalating conflict? 
Often, yes. Slowing down and focusing on clarity can reduce unnecessary conflict, especially early in the process.