January is Child-Centered Divorce Month, a time to reflect on how divorce impacts children and how parents can guide them through this transition with care and intention. But being “child-centered” doesn’t mean sacrificing everything or avoiding boundaries. It’s about balancing your well-being with your child’s needs, maintaining boundaries, and modeling resilience. Discover practical tips, real-life …
What Child-Centered Divorce Does Mean
Prioritizing Your Well-Being to Support Theirs
Children are deeply affected by their parents’ emotional and physical health. Taking care of yourself during a divorce isn’t selfish; it’s essential. As Dr. Becky Kennedy reminds us, emotional resilience starts with the parent.
A mom I worked with felt overwhelmed when her children started favoring their dad, who openly expressed his sadness and loneliness after the divorce—even though he had initiated it. Feeling unseen, she masked her anxiety with a constant sunny demeanor and, privately, a nightly date with Chardonnay.
By seeking therapy, she learned how to be honest about her feelings in a way her kids could understand, without burdening them. This helped her reconnect with herself and her children, creating a healthier dynamic for everyone involved.
Acknowledging Feelings Without Shifting Burdens
Validating your child’s emotions doesn’t mean making them responsible for yours. A dad I worked with relied on his young daughters to carry messages to their mother because he found direct communication too painful.
This placed the children in the middle, forcing them to act as messengers. Their mother often reacted with frustration when the messages arrived, leaving the girls feeling caught between their parents’ unresolved conflict. Eventually, both parents worked with a therapist to establish neutral communication methods, freeing their daughters from the emotional crossfire.
Avoiding Parentification
Parentification happens when children take on adult responsibilities, often at the expense of their own well-being.
One father I worked with unintentionally placed this burden on his teenage daughter. Having been uninvolved in the day-to-day running of the household before they were living in separate households, he relied on her to step into her mother’s role—managing groceries, school pickups, homework, and even buying birthday gifts for her younger siblings when they were invited to their friend’s birthday parties.
At first, he believed she enjoyed being the “little mom.” In reality, her grades plummeted, and she became so stressed she considered running away. Once he understood the toll it was taking, he sought professional help to improve his parenting skills and gave his daughter the space to be a teenager again.
Keeping Divorce Conversations Between Adults
Children should never feel forced to take sides or mediate between their parents. A mom I worked with noticed her kids growing closer to their dad, who often shared how sad and lonely he felt after the divorce.
While her instinct was to keep things “positive,” her denial of her own pain left her feeling isolated and unacknowledged. Once she and her ex agreed to keep their emotions out of conversations with the kids, they created a safer emotional space for their children to love both parents without guilt.
What Child-Centered Divorce Doesn’t Mean
Sacrificing Everything for Your Child
Being child-centered doesn’t mean giving up everything for your kids. I worked with a mother who believed she had to shoulder the full financial burden of her kids’ extracurriculars after her ex refused to contribute. She considered taking on multiple jobs but as we walked down the path of what that would look like in real life, she realized this would leave her with no time to be present with her children.
After discussing the situation openly, her children decided to cut back on activities to spend more time together. This balance allowed her to meet their needs while modeling healthy boundaries and decision-making.
Erasing Your Own Identity
Resilience is about navigating challenges without losing your sense of self. When parents sacrifice their well-being, they risk modeling burnout and avoidance. As Dr. Becky Kennedy and experts like Joel Leonemphasize, showing your children how to handle adversity with balance and self-care creates a foundation for their emotional health.
Final Thoughts: Redefining “Child-Centered”
A truly child-centered divorce is about being intentional. It’s about:
- Showing up as an emotionally grounded parent.
- Maintaining boundaries and avoiding burdens that don’t belong to your children.
- Modeling resilience, self-care, and healthy decision-making.
By navigating this transition thoughtfully, you can create an environment where your children feel safe, supported, and free to thrive.
Resources to Support You
What does “child-centered” mean to you? Are there areas where you feel unsure or overwhelmed?
If you’re ready to approach divorce with clarity and intention, schedule a free Clarity Call today. Let’s navigate this together.
Brenda Bridges
Mediator, MAT, RICP®, CDFA®, CDC®
